fear, loathing and next steps

i've actually had some work lately. some new organizing clients and a project manager gig. yay. i've been loathe to mention anything for fear that it would somehow disappear. (have i mentioned i'm completely irrational about money. i can be afraid of things that make no logical sense. i've had to get used to it, grudgingly.)

and i finally put in my "lilly cares" application to get my anti-depressant, cymbalta, for free. so we're back to my split personality, one half makes money, the other half doesn't.

next i have to make an appointment with my credit union to convince them i'm a terrific risk for a mortgage that will combine all my debt, lower my interest rates and my payments significantly.

that's the plan. putting my 20 years of pristine credit history to work. even though i know all they care about is how much money i make right now. ugh!

split personality

i'm feeling a bit split lately. i've tried to get a few 0% or low interest credit cards to move some of my higher rate (10%) card debt over. unfortunately, i've been turned down twice now, even though i over-exaggerated my potential income. (for those who don't know, i've been trying to get work since october of last year, with little success. let's say my timing's a little off. i tried to go back to work just as things started to get really ugly.)

my biggest issue has been health insurance. NYC has a great program Healthy NY that i finally lack enough income to qualify for. i'm paying $268/mos instead of the $640/mos i'd been paying as a sole proprietor. the weird thing is the Rx pricing is killing me (fucking pharmaceutical company money-grubbing bastards). Healthy NY's Rx program does not cover ANY of the drugs i take.

by far the most expensive is cymbalta, which i take for depression. with my old crappy insurance, i paid $1.78/pill ($1280 annually). shopping pharmacies, i'm paying $4.42/pill ($3180 annually), that's almost 60% more. now i'm looking at lilly's patient assistance program, where i have to show my low income. and as soon as i start making some real money, i'm no longer eligible. it also requires a doctor to administer--the pills are delivered to her. luckily, my doctors have all been great, so i'm not anticipating any problems.

when i looked at the lilly site, i noticed that cymbalta is also used to treat fibromyalgia, a very serious disease. i can't help but think that my psychiatrist who put me on the drug picked whatever his pharm reps pushed the hardest, with no regard for how expensive it is. (this is the same guy who was shocked i paid my own insurance premiums. hell-looooooo! most folks pay a portion of their health ins premiums. doctors do have to understand the financial implications of their decisions. their patients certainly have to.) thing is, this drug has worked better than anything else i have taken over the past 20 years. in fact, there are times i should probably take more, but at $4.42 a pill, i simply can't afford to.

i've managed to go to over the counter and generic solutions for my allergy drugs, and my allergy shots are covered, so that part has been a relief. but i did have to give up my preferred drugs. and i'll be relying on sample eye drops and nose spray next spring. those things are simply cost-prohibitive.

and last, my birth-control pills. i've been on the pill for 25 years now for a very irregular cycle and related depression. i take a pill now where i only get my period quarterly. it's been much better in terms of killing--i have much less desire to kill others and myself. so i don't want to switch. of course, not covered. i just checked and the fucking bastards actually cover viagra on my plan, with prior approval and a limit. hell, that i could work with. UGH!

i just found out something interesting: i don't have to have a period! how cool is that? i just spoke to the doc's office and they said i can ignore the week off when i get my period and start taking the pills. i will keep you posted on how this impacts my mental health.

sorry for all the detail, but this is what i have to deal with, and honestly, if i had kids and a job, i'd never have time. sigh.

so what makes more sense? milking my low-income status for what i can get? fight with all the other folks who've been laid off for crappy consulting gigs?

one day at a time

here's where i'm at. still no real money coming in. i did get a few modeling gigs, which is pretty good in the summer. i really enjoy modeling and it's very natural for me. lately i've worked with high school grads on their way to art school. they are sooooo adorable. i really get to have the best experience with teens. they're all wide-eyed because they've never worked with a model before. i could tell they are in love with photography. once they got over their shyness, they got some really great shots.

problem with modeling is it pays $15-20/hr. in nyc, unfortunately it's not enough to live on. and it's almost impossible to get a full schedule. when i feel like i'm modeling a lot, it's only 20 hours or so.

i had a speaking gig for a women's entrepreneur group in queens a few weeks ago for my organizing biz, isimplifi.com i have another one tomorrow for the women's mentoring group i've been working with for a decade. hopefully this will lead to some organizing clients.

otherwise, just trying not to freak out every time i spend money, which seems to be all the time. sigh

homeless birthday

coming back from the gym this morning, I saw a homeless guy I often see in his usual spot. his sign said today was his birthday. all i could think was what a shitty way to spend your birthday, hanging out with a sign and a can collecting change.

i put $5 cause i'm a sucker and a soft touch, i admit it. he said thank you sweet & gentle. as i was walking away, i burst into tears. which is not usual for me at all. it was all just so rediculous. then some guy walking by asked if i was ok. i nodded yes, but it just made me cry harder.

lots more people are going to be homeless. something has to give.

wouldn't believe it if i didn't see it myself

Was just checking on some old credit cards to see rates and was blown away by this:

As communicated in our recent letter to customers, we deeply regret that all Advanta Business Credit Card accounts were closed effective May 30, 2009.

explanation: Substantially all Advanta accounts are funded by an independent trust which owns the account balances and provides funding for new transactions. The trust has stopped funding activity. The trust also restricts our flexibility to fund account activity. As a result, all Advanta Business Card accounts were closed effective May 30.

translation: we f*%#ed up, you pay.

glad i wasn't actually using this card.

i still have to pay my bills on time, but my clients don't

i noticed this when i was in the corp world and i do NOT like being on the other end one bit. when corps get afraid to spend money, they just don't pay invoices. i'm waiting for time inc to stop sending back invoices for stupid reasons and actually pay me for ONE DAY i worked March 2. i came in for an interview and ended up going over contracts for the day. they cancelled the project entirely, probably, i believe, because my keen eye showed them they simply didn't have enough control for a successful project.

that's me. smart enough to not get work!

health insurance cos do the same thing. first they ask for one form, then no, that's not the form, it's this other form. meanwhile, days, weeks, months go by.

i know if i didn't pay the electric bill, it would be shut off. and if i don't pay my health insurance, i'm not covered. what recourse do we have?

economy note

a few weeks ago, i helped a friend bring some books to the Strand. apparently, you can drop off books and get cash. well, used to be that way. they're way behind going through everything that has come in, so now it's drop off and they'll send a check in 3-4 weeks.